Dead Man Walking
by theywerejustkids
Summary: "It feels as though he holds the power of life and death between his fingertips, weighing him down but also lifting him up, a battle between heaven and hell for his soul." Jared's experience after losing Melanie and attempting to find Jeb's cabin.
1. A Cold Heart

_Her breath is heavy as he kisses down her stomach, stopping where her underwear begins and pulling back up, reaching for her lips, crushing against them so hard it's almost painful for a moment._

_ "I love you so much," he whispers, and his voice is strained but he doesn't know why, he only knows that something is very, very wrong, and if he lets her go now he'll never get her back._

_ "I love you, too," she says, and her eyes are closed and he kisses along her neck and everything is perfect as long as he can keep holding onto her, as long as her grip doesn't waver. This is all he needs. Just her. _

_ But then she begins to pull away and he looks up and he can feel it in his bones, a crushing kind of realization dawning, and it's coming but he can't quite grasp onto it, and then she opens her eyes and he knows._

_ There is a silver ring around her pupils._

Jared Howe wakes up screaming.

* * *

It's been four days since they lost her. Four days since they lost everything.

Jared doesn't sleep, not nearly enough. He stays up all night holding on to Jamie, brushing the kid's hair off his forehead as the sobs wrack his small, fragile body, waiting for him to nod off. Then he's free to take his turn.

He lets the tears fall without restriction or interference, allowing the hollow pit inside him to overtake his entire body, mind, soul. It is at night that he admits his weakness, his utter devastation, the simple fact that he failed in protecting the one thing that mattered.

He destroyed his family.

He's always been too weak.

And his grip will tighten on Jamie and a cloud will appear to pass over his eyes as he swears to himself that nothing, nothing will happen to the kid. He owes this to Melanie. He owes this to Jamie.

_Family. _

And that's when the tears will stop, because Jared Howe still has someone in the world who needs him, and as long as he needs him, Jared will be there. Jared's loyalty is not easily won, but it will never waver.

There are some bonds you can't break.

* * *

They keep moving towards the desert, and it's along the way that Jared has his breakthrough, understands the true meaning of the lines Melanie's uncle had shown her. Jared obtains a gun in one of the shacks they pass, an area clearly untouched by the Souls. Late that night, camped out in a small ditch, he rolls the weapon over on his fingers as Jamie sleeps beside him.

The gun feels strange in his hand, heavier than he thought it would be. It feels as though he holds the power of life and death between his fingertips, weighing him down but also lifting him up, a battle between heaven and hell for his soul.

His _soul_. The irony of it is not lost on him, the fact that their souls are what they're all fighting for but his is what's dragging him down, making him weaker. His soul is Melanie, her laugh, her smile. _The only light left. _And now she's gone.

"Take my soul," he whispers bitterly, staring up at the starry night sky, imagining he's talking to whatever higher power there might be but knowing in his heart that there isn't anything there to hear him. Jared has never been a believer. He can't afford to swear loyalty to anyone else. "Take it, it's yours."

But the stars give no response and he breaks down, curling into a ball in the dirt, sobs harrowing his body, because it's clear to him now that even the heavens don't want his soul, not his, not one plagued by loss and grief, tears shed and unshed.

The gun lies on the ground next to him. He doesn't want to touch it again.

* * *

The next day, they reach an open stretch of desert. Jared begins to grow concerned about his directions. Could he have been wrong about the map? He considers simply giving up, dropping to the ground and letting death claim him. It would be easier, certainly.

He doesn't want to feel anymore.

_Jamie_, he reminds himself, and that is all it takes for him to strengthen his resolve to keep moving. Jamie is what matters now. Jamie is the only thing left that he will allow himself to care about.

Suddenly, they hear a noise in the distance.

"A helicopter," the younger boy whispers, and Jared realizes he's right. He looks around frantically for something to duck under, someplace to hide, but his effort is futile. They came for them. They won't leave without them.

As the helicopter lands and the flier climbs down, Jared realizes that the "they" he had anticipated is, in fact, just one Seeker, a tall man with jet-black hair and a kind face, but twisted now, a lopsided grin marring his features.

"Surrender your weapons," the Seeker commands, and Jared notes that he has no gun or spray in his hand. His instincts are telling him that the Seeker is putting up a false pretense, and he's always trusted his instincts. He realizes that this was not a mission at all but rather a chance encounter, and the Seeker is untrained and utterly unprepared.

His hands clench around the gun that has found its way into a holster on his belt. The weapon still feels unnatural, but he will use it, of course he will use it.

He can't afford to be weak.

"No," he says, and his voice is strong and spiteful. These are the people that took his Melanie from him, his brothers, his father, everyone that has ever mattered. He pulls out his gun and aims it at the Seeker. Jamie inhales sharply.

The Seeker's eyes dart back and forth, his demeanor panicked now that Jared has called his bluff. "Please," he says softly, gently, his hands making what Jared assumes are supposed to be calming motions. "Let's talk about this, sir."

Jared looks at him for several moments. He wonders what the human who had once inhabited the body had been like, if he'd had a family, children, people who were counting on him. He even considers, for a moment, what the Soul's life is like now, if he has friends, a partner, a life he's carved out for himself.

Jared doesn't have to shoot him.

But then he thinks of Melanie, and everyone he's lost, and the brief moment of sympathy has passed. He has someone to protect. He has a job to do. Nothing else can matter.

"Look away, Jamie," he says, and his voice is flat, lacking any semblance of the joyful man he had once been. That man is dead. He died when they took Melanie. He died the day his world collapsed.

The Seeker's mouth moves, and Jared pieces together what he's saying. "Please. Don't kill me. Please."

Something snaps inside of Jared Howe in that moment. There is a coldness that overwhelms his body, and it is as though his heart's chambers are locking their doors in preparation for the coming storm.

_Nothing matters. _

He shoots. _Bang. _

After a moment, he walks slowly over to the body and watches as the blood seeps through the Seeker's chest. He doesn't let himself look away.

This is who he is now. This is who he has to be.

_I'll never love again. _


	2. An Empty Shell

**A/N: **This chapter is intermingled with flashbacks from Jared's past that relate to his present. I don't think the backstory is too confusing, but just for your future reference: Jared's brother's name was Evan.

* * *

They're close.

They've made it.

Jared knows that he is near whatever shelter Melanie's uncle has set up. He sees the shapes of the hills and mountains around him, watches the dust billow around their feet, and he can _feel_ it. This isn't going to be added to his ever-growing list of failures, scrawled by the hand of a world that clearly wants to punish him.

_For what crime?_, he wonders suddenly. _For what sin?_

His subconscious answers in a cruel voice, a taunting voice, but laced with the pain of the screaming young boy who'd watched his brother die and the unfeeling man who'd killed a Seeker without remorse. _Weakness, of course. _

No, he's going to get Jamie to safety. His heart, a heart that has grown stone-cold in a matter of hours, trembles at the thought of failing Melanie in this.

But he can't think of Melanie, not now, not ever. Jamie is his responsibility now. Jamie is the only one who's left.

* * *

They pace back and forth, Jamie shuffling behind Jared as the older boy furiously wracks his brain, trying to figure out where the entrance to the shelter might be found. He doesn't stop to consider that it might not even be here, that they could be alone in the desert without a backup plan. He clings to the only hope he has left – the shining beacon, the ray of light – that the idea of _safety _provides – not for him, but for the kid.

He doesn't need to be safe anymore. He doesn't deserve to be safe. Not after what he's seen. Not after what he's done.

Suddenly, there is a rustle behind them. Jared whips around, his hand automatically reaching for his gun, aiming it at whatever is behind them. Jamie whimpers, and Jared realizes for the first time what seeing the Seeker's death must have been like for the kid.

* * *

_There is a flash of light. Souls descend upon the family, take the father, pull at the younger brother's shirt. _

"_Come on, boy," they whisper, a chant in unison, their voices melding together, soft and reassuring, cold and harsh. "Come with us."_

"_No!" the boy screeches, pulling a knife from his back pocket. His hands plunge the metal into his chest and his eyes glass over. The Souls gasp and back away, dragging the father, leaving the body. The older brother, bronze-haired, tan-skinned and shaking, screams and lunges outward, realizing too late that his brother didn't stay where he told him to. That he put himself in harm's way. _

"_NO! Evan, _no!_"_

* * *

Jared flinches and clears his mind. He can't think about that. He can't think about anything.

He will never admit that his heart pounds at the thought of firing the gun again, watching blood drain from a human body, knowing that he and he alone inflicted the pain that caused a man to scream for the end to claim him.

He will never acknowledge it. He is not weak. He cannot be weak.

A shadow steps out from behind an opening in the rocks. His hands clench around the gun. There is sweat on his palms. Jamie is whimpering. The world is spinning and Jared's vision is blurring and nothing exists but the metal in his hand and the clunk of bullets.

* * *

_The older boy sobs over the corpse of his brother, crying hysterically, choked breaths escaping his lungs. _

"_I'm sorry," he says. "I'm so sorry." He isn't sure what he's apologizing for, but he knows without a doubt that this is his fault, entirely his fault, and he can't fix it and he can't change it. He screams suddenly, the sound like the crack of a whip in the silence._

* * *

He blinks as the shadow comes into the light. It's a man, wearing a large sunhat and carrying a rifle, his cheeks suntanned and his expression amused.

"You can go ahead and put that gun down, boy," the man chuckles, and Jamie's face breaks out into a grin.

"Uncle Jeb!" he screams, and rushes towards the man. Jared watches them for a moment, then stares at his shaking hand, still holding onto the gun as if it's a lifeline. Jeb's voice startles him back to reality.

"So who's this?" he asks Jamie, pointing at Jared with his rifle. Jared flinches and Jeb laughs, a booming sound that seems to echo across the flat land.

"That's Jared," Jamie says, smiling at him encouragingly. "Melanie's…"

Jared inhales, watching Jamie's smile falter and Jeb's happy aura dim as they all remember collectively that there is someone missing from this circle of humanity, someone important, and it is as though the life has been sucked out of all of them.

"Where…where's Melanie?" Jeb asks softly. He's speaking to Jared so Jamie doesn't have to answer, but the older boy simply looks down, his eyes closing as the realization that he's failed in every way that matters is forced upon him yet again.

* * *

_He buries the body in a pile of dirt near the shelter, his lower lip trembling all the while, but he refuses to break down again._

_He's on his own now. He has to be stronger than that._

_Before he covers his brother in dirt, he gently moves his hand across the boy's eyelids, closing them to eternal sleep. He blinks the moisture from his eyes as he gathers up a handful of earth around him and sprinkles it over the face he'd grown up with, the boy he'd help raise as a child._

"_Goodbye," he whispers, and the word signifies a new beginning. By the time he stands up, he's resigned himself to a life of loneliness. He has to protect himself now. He has to keep his grief in check. _

_But there is something like hope still stirring in his chest, like an ember of fire that refuses to be put out. He has a feeling – a premonition, maybe – that he isn't the last one, the last human. That there are others. That he won't be alone forever._

_He can't lose that. If he loses that, he loses everything. And what is a man who's lost everything? What is he but an empty shell going through the motions, a dead man walking? _

_He won't cry. Jared Howe doesn't cry._

* * *

"She's…she's gone," Jamie whispers, and Jared notes that there are tears pooling in the boy's eyes. It's almost as though he can feel the tears on his own cheek…but no, they are _his_ tears, the symbol of his grief. He tries to brush them off quickly, but they keep flowing, and he looks at Jamie and the young boy is staring at him with wide eyes.

It's the first time he's seen Jared cry.

Jeb stands silently, his eyes darting back and forth between them. Suddenly, Jamie runs towards Jared and wraps his small arms around the bronze-haired boy's waist, and Jared freezes, his arms staying at his side at first.

He's never been the one to need comfort before. He doesn't want to be in that position. He _can't _be in that position.

But despite every fiber in his being screaming at him to stop, slowly, slowly, he reaches around Jamie and pulls him tight against his chest.

Jeb's careful eyes watch as the older boy runs circles with his hand across the kid's back, a gesture he'd only ever conveyed to one person before, a boy startlingly similar to Jamie in every way, and past and present collide in that moment as Jared lets a sob escape through his chest.

"I'm sorry," he whispers, and this time he knows exactly what he's apologizing for. He swears to himself that this is the last person he'll allow himself to care about. He doesn't want this pain anymore.

And he'll never admit that Jamie's touch is the only thing keeping him upright. He'll never admit how much he needs him. He will never acknowledge it.

His greatest sin is weakness.

He cannot afford to be weak anymore.


End file.
